Not like before

Simply tired. 

I have been sleeping late recently and could clearly hear voices tormenting my mind and heart at the same time. Voices arguing how to deal with my perfectly unhappy life. Seems like i own my journey; running around as if i don't work with anyone nor sit with anyone at all. I am continuously evolving myself into a circular motion wherein i have no destination, no end goal. Tired of running so i decided to walk. I am just remembering my footsteps and the places I've been to but not the journey at all. Time passes by so fast. I could hardly remember the people i have encountered and even the experiences felt during the walk. What happened to me? have i been sleeping long enough or short enough to feel this way? What have you done to me? have you been pulling the string attached to my back and move the way you want me to? Talking to myself every now and then has been my escape since i met this guy last year of summer.

Suddenly life seemed to be perfect in the eyes of many. People see posts of lovers who are truly  in love with each other. Pictures filled with smiles and kisses on ig, fb, messenger made people believe in a very perfect RELATIONSHIP GOAL for a year now. This is not the real picture imprinted here in my heart. We are not one of those couples who people assume as to be. We are far from that. The love is there. It's genuine. Something to be proud of, but the reciprocity of love probably is missing now. A year have just passed and what happened to us? Selfishness sets in and i could no longer hear the wedding bells ring. We no longer communicate than we did before and as you grow better the choice of being a Christian, I, your number 1 supporter is cheering at your back to let you enjoy the taste of life of  what a Christian believer is. This is happiness. for you and me...but you left me. I feel the emptiness of my cup and the heart deteriorate as time goes by. I am in the decomposing state honey. Help me! I hear i love yous everyday but feeling the other way around. Are you really for real? or you just need me at the present time. My heart breaks everyday. I continue to journey alone. empty-handed with broken promises and unrequited love. I am lost. moving with no destination in mind and hoping one day you'll pick me up and cut the string at my back. You will let me move forward while seeing you move way way far from me. One day we'll see...one day we'll know if we are heading on the same direction. Back to where we started. JUST US>

You woke me up at 3 a.m.. today. I had no clue what happened you called me this early but got a little happy to see you awake. You said you had  a bad dream about me leaving you...i saw you cried,..sob while wiping the tears you couldn't hold while talking to me. My heart aches. got teary-eyed too...I don't want you to feel the fear of losing me. I am loving my life now because you are part of it. I enjoy every single part of being a part from because i don't feel distant to the overwhelming love you keep on showering me everyday. Sometimes I couldn't contain and reciprocate it, but I am willing to hold on to this feeling.

Ang SCAM mong Pag-ibig

Paano ba sisimulan ang isang istoryang walang simula..Yung tipong nasa kalagitnaan palang gusto ko ng tapusin pero lumakbay pa ng malayu-layong kilometro. Napagod na ata ang mga daliri kong ititik ang mga detalye ng nascam mong pag-ibig. Tila ang utak ang nagsasadula, ang puso ang nagdidikta. Hindi pa nga umuusbong, bakit tila lumalabo ang tintang pansulat sa naantalang istorya...

Simple lang naman noon.. siya at ako..tayong walang kaalam alam sa itatakbo nitong relasyong ikaw ang nagsimula. Dati, di ko na naisip pang lumingon, kasi nasugatan na ang puso at nangalay na ang mga paang tumakbo papalapit sa nakalipas kong pag-ibig. In short, naghabol sa taong patuloy lang tinakas ang landas papalayo sa akin..Sugat na di gumaling galing kahit 2 taon na ang lumipas. Pusong may kaskas ng yelong hinangin ng malamig na panahon ng nakalipas. Saktong nandoon ka. Sa tabi ko..pinuno mo ng ngiti ang labi kong sanay ng sumimangot sa bagot at lungkot ng mga nagdaang araw. Saktong nandoon ka..tinulungan mo akong pulutin ang mga bahagi ng natapak tapakang piraso ng puso kong pagal. Nasabi ko pa nga sa Dios, kung gaano ako kasaya na may taong tulad mo na galing sa Kanya...Sabi ko sayo na di ko na ata kayang umibig pa tulad ng dati..di ko mapapalitan ang pagtinging pinaramdam mo sa akin..Nangako akong sa takdang panahon ang Dios ang saksi at gagabay sa atin ng lubusan kitang mahalin. 

Dumaan ang mga panahon nakamit mo ang matamis kong oo sa kabila ng walang kasiguraduhang pangako ko sayo,..di ka sumuko. Umusbong ang bubot kong pag-ibig at tuluyan na ngang nahulog sa iyo. Akala ko magiging madali ang mga susunod na takbo ng istoryang ito..di pala..ng mahulog sayo tila ikaw ang unti unting sumusuko..nabagot ka na ba sa pagaantay na maging karapat dapat ako sa tulad mo? Na scam nga ba ako ng pag-ibig na sa una lang pala may interest rate ngayon nalulugi na?

Tila mayhinahanap ka palang katangiang di ko taglay..at dahil dun hindi pla buo ang puso mo nang ibigay mo sa akin..hayaan mo aalis muna ako..ipapahinga ko ulit tong puso ko..di ito para sayo..sa akin muna kasi napagod eh..sana sana...maraming sana sa utak at puso kong matamlay sa ngayon..Kung di lang..kung sana di mo..madaming di matapos tapos na linyang di ko maparating kahit sa kapirasong pahina ng istoryang makulay noon..ngayon matamlay na kulay ang nakapaloob. 

Something new

I found a new LOVE...something unknown..can’t be defined..different from the past love i have had and even the feeling is not clear. I never thought of encountering this feeling again..though it is not as clear as before..this makes  me smile.

I found a new love..a different kind of LOVE. Feels like a child starting to ride her bike for the first time. SCARED TO FALL...in love..to get hurt and feel the pain of loving. I often wonder why all reationships head to end..a miserable ending..not even happy nor successful..it’ll always give you something to remember..to feel..to realize something as you pick up the broken pieces of your heart that once was whole, clear, and LOVED.


I don’t know if my heart is working well now. I don’t really understand the situation i am into ..am i loving？ liking？or just enjoying the love i am receiving from him.



For a ｍoment i realized that life could send me pieces of happiness and will let me feel complete again.Sunrises again and when it rains..i don’t feel an inch of sadness. My life is now painted with pinch of colors..not black nor white..colors that describe serenity..vague but full of my favorite hue in it. I would define this state as the present happiness. I know this will end soon..after a week everything would be back to black and white. The color i loved for a long time..color will soon fade and when it does..i am definitely ready to accept what is left here.

I am numb...to the point where i no longer feel the need to be loved and love deeply. I just accept the surreal feeling..the excitement it gives chills to my ｗhole being. i don’t feel madly sad nor disappointed anymore whenever arguments set in..i breathe and let go and leave the bad memories behind. My past taught me to be like this..a person who would never feel needy anymore..I sometimes feel the past is still haunting me..i enjoy sadness than happiness. I could explore a lot of things about myself when i am alone. I could paint, draw and write journals about it. Sad but it’s REAL..

I found myself searching for the answers..am  really Happy or i am just making myself happy..now i feel guilty

.

Blocked me, Unblock me..

How do I block you in real LIFE? 

He blocked me on LINE last week and now I am writing about it..what the hell am i thinking? am I so affected about this or i just don't feel the hurt anymore. Shame on you! ahha bitter me,..i blocked him several times but i unblocked him again and again,..then finally he got his revenge and got rid of me. Good job! hahha ;) I feel  nothing, kinda empty, blank and just plain numb...We have blocked each other not just online but in real life..I haven't accepted the fact that he got the last laugh on this but what else can i do? feel hurt? bitter? or pathetic?..I've felt that way long time ago..but now that I am so over it,..I just wanna release the pinch of pain here in my heart,..a hole that once corrupted my whole being,..a scratch that would always feel itchy in cold season...a scar that would always reminds me of how mother f***er , a dream crusher, and stupid he was and maybe he still is.. hahah 

If there is something i feel unhappy about this is that..i let someone took over my life, my heart..I let someone stole the peace in me, the happiness i found on simple things...the life, the dreams i have for the future..I am trying to find the little pieces i left when  i lost him..the lost of a brother, a best friend,,a teacher and a lover..since then I haven't witnessed the sunrise,..i always look forward to sunset..dark is happiness..life is a piece of puzzle in a middle of dessert where i no longer exist..life ended there.so i sound pathetic eh?..yeah i think I am in a long journey of finding real happiness here..i know that only God can fill up the hole and complete the puzzle pieces of life i destroyed...i don't blame him nor anyone..i blame myself..only me.

I wanna close this blog by saying goodbye to a blissful relationship online and for all the heartaches..laughters, mixed up..i still believe in love..gotta eat more sweets to feel sweet again ahhah..

Endzone

The message was too long to send. I tried rephrasing it and make it a little shorter, but the emotion i put into writing could not cover up the long a waited goodbye message I've been wanting to send you. Minutes gone to hours, hours gone to days, a shorter version of the message is still kept here unsent. I see your image on my LINE account with a happy photo on..imagining how happy you are while I struggle myself in ending this pathetic relationship I created with you. As i count the days and hours and moments, i got to realized what is holding me back in relaying a very simple message..it was the thought of finally losing you. Ending is really the hardest part of anything. It is like killing your favorite character in a movie..It's like finishing a dish you have been wanting  to eat in ages..It is like going home from a very fun-filled trip abroad. I am a coward and  I know I fear the reality of being alone. Though I've been so lonely for  a long time search of happy ending with you...and now without the word HAPPY,..I have to end this with a courage here in my heart.

At exactly 11 in the morning, I sent the message I never thought it would be read by you. I said that you won't hear from me anymore and this means GOODBYE. I waited for his reply, but after minutes of waiting, i deactivated my account. It was like hearing  a drumroll with the words sounding like; CONGRATULATIONS! from my ears, my heart stopped a beat and tears stayed in my duct glands. I didn't feel the need of crying, though my heart hurt. It'll take time to heal and let go of the memories we've had for 4 years. I felt happy and free with a sad heart. This is the end and I am so excited to start anew;)

Letter to the Greatest Aunt in the World

Almost a week has passed and your memories is still hunting me. I thought,  a week of sadness would cover up all the tears I've cried and the headaches after each moments you left my eyes dry. Until i woke up this morning realizing the lost of my dear aunt...you. I've always wanted to see you in my dreams, talk to you as we did before, and ask you how's heaven. I always pray to God to give  me a glimpse of  you even just in my dreams. Why is this so hard for me to bear? why have I been regretting  a lot of things i could have said or done with you? why have i not given a chance to sit down and talk with you just for  a while before you have your last breath?..I am still mourning and I don't know till when will i close this chapter of  this bereaving moment I am into. I know I've accepted the fact that you are in heaven now and happier than you were here with us, but thinking of the fact that I won't be seeing you in the coming events in my life makes me even sadder than sad...bluer than blue..this is the saddest part I don't know how to get through.

It is really hard to let go of the memories and the love that would be forever here in my heart. I've never imagined a life without you because every time I think about future, it's always been you and nanay and tatay. You would always have an important part in any events I am planning to have and all the endeavors I am about to succeed on. Now it's only nanay and tatay..but you'll always be part of it ate,..I just hope in time i could finally let go of you and move on.

I love you and you'll always have a room here in my heart.

Love,

Zorai