Not like before

Simply tired. 

I have been sleeping late recently and could clearly hear voices tormenting my mind and heart at the same time. Voices arguing how to deal with my perfectly unhappy life. Seems like i own my journey; running around as if i don't work with anyone nor sit with anyone at all. I am continuously evolving myself into a circular motion wherein i have no destination, no end goal. Tired of running so i decided to walk. I am just remembering my footsteps and the places I've been to but not the journey at all. Time passes by so fast. I could hardly remember the people i have encountered and even the experiences felt during the walk. What happened to me? have i been sleeping long enough or short enough to feel this way? What have you done to me? have you been pulling the string attached to my back and move the way you want me to? Talking to myself every now and then has been my escape since i met this guy last year of summer.

Suddenly life seemed to be perfect in the eyes of many. People see posts of lovers who are truly  in love with each other. Pictures filled with smiles and kisses on ig, fb, messenger made people believe in a very perfect RELATIONSHIP GOAL for a year now. This is not the real picture imprinted here in my heart. We are not one of those couples who people assume as to be. We are far from that. The love is there. It's genuine. Something to be proud of, but the reciprocity of love probably is missing now. A year have just passed and what happened to us? Selfishness sets in and i could no longer hear the wedding bells ring. We no longer communicate than we did before and as you grow better the choice of being a Christian, I, your number 1 supporter is cheering at your back to let you enjoy the taste of life of  what a Christian believer is. This is happiness. for you and me...but you left me. I feel the emptiness of my cup and the heart deteriorate as time goes by. I am in the decomposing state honey. Help me! I hear i love yous everyday but feeling the other way around. Are you really for real? or you just need me at the present time. My heart breaks everyday. I continue to journey alone. empty-handed with broken promises and unrequited love. I am lost. moving with no destination in mind and hoping one day you'll pick me up and cut the string at my back. You will let me move forward while seeing you move way way far from me. One day we'll see...one day we'll know if we are heading on the same direction. Back to where we started. JUST US>

You woke me up at 3 a.m.. today. I had no clue what happened you called me this early but got a little happy to see you awake. You said you had  a bad dream about me leaving you...i saw you cried,..sob while wiping the tears you couldn't hold while talking to me. My heart aches. got teary-eyed too...I don't want you to feel the fear of losing me. I am loving my life now because you are part of it. I enjoy every single part of being a part from because i don't feel distant to the overwhelming love you keep on showering me everyday. Sometimes I couldn't contain and reciprocate it, but I am willing to hold on to this feeling.

Ang SCAM mong Pag-ibig

Paano ba sisimulan ang isang istoryang walang simula..Yung tipong nasa kalagitnaan palang gusto ko ng tapusin pero lumakbay pa ng malayu-layong kilometro. Napagod na ata ang mga daliri kong ititik ang mga detalye ng nascam mong pag-ibig. Tila ang utak ang nagsasadula, ang puso ang nagdidikta. Hindi pa nga umuusbong, bakit tila lumalabo ang tintang pansulat sa naantalang istorya...

Simple lang naman noon.. siya at ako..tayong walang kaalam alam sa itatakbo nitong relasyong ikaw ang nagsimula. Dati, di ko na naisip pang lumingon, kasi nasugatan na ang puso at nangalay na ang mga paang tumakbo papalapit sa nakalipas kong pag-ibig. In short, naghabol sa taong patuloy lang tinakas ang landas papalayo sa akin..Sugat na di gumaling galing kahit 2 taon na ang lumipas. Pusong may kaskas ng yelong hinangin ng malamig na panahon ng nakalipas. Saktong nandoon ka. Sa tabi ko..pinuno mo ng ngiti ang labi kong sanay ng sumimangot sa bagot at lungkot ng mga nagdaang araw. Saktong nandoon ka..tinulungan mo akong pulutin ang mga bahagi ng natapak tapakang piraso ng puso kong pagal. Nasabi ko pa nga sa Dios, kung gaano ako kasaya na may taong tulad mo na galing sa Kanya...Sabi ko sayo na di ko na ata kayang umibig pa tulad ng dati..di ko mapapalitan ang pagtinging pinaramdam mo sa akin..Nangako akong sa takdang panahon ang Dios ang saksi at gagabay sa atin ng lubusan kitang mahalin. 

Dumaan ang mga panahon nakamit mo ang matamis kong oo sa kabila ng walang kasiguraduhang pangako ko sayo,..di ka sumuko. Umusbong ang bubot kong pag-ibig at tuluyan na ngang nahulog sa iyo. Akala ko magiging madali ang mga susunod na takbo ng istoryang ito..di pala..ng mahulog sayo tila ikaw ang unti unting sumusuko..nabagot ka na ba sa pagaantay na maging karapat dapat ako sa tulad mo? Na scam nga ba ako ng pag-ibig na sa una lang pala may interest rate ngayon nalulugi na?

Tila mayhinahanap ka palang katangiang di ko taglay..at dahil dun hindi pla buo ang puso mo nang ibigay mo sa akin..hayaan mo aalis muna ako..ipapahinga ko ulit tong puso ko..di ito para sayo..sa akin muna kasi napagod eh..sana sana...maraming sana sa utak at puso kong matamlay sa ngayon..Kung di lang..kung sana di mo..madaming di matapos tapos na linyang di ko maparating kahit sa kapirasong pahina ng istoryang makulay noon..ngayon matamlay na kulay ang nakapaloob. 

Something new

I found a new LOVE...something unknown..can’t be defined..different from the past love i have had and even the feeling is not clear. I never thought of encountering this feeling again..though it is not as clear as before..this makes  me smile.

I found a new love..a different kind of LOVE. Feels like a child starting to ride her bike for the first time. SCARED TO FALL...in love..to get hurt and feel the pain of loving. I often wonder why all reationships head to end..a miserable ending..not even happy nor successful..it’ll always give you something to remember..to feel..to realize something as you pick up the broken pieces of your heart that once was whole, clear, and LOVED.


I don’t know if my heart is working well now. I don’t really understand the situation i am into ..am i loving？ liking？or just enjoying the love i am receiving from him.



For a ｍoment i realized that life could send me pieces of happiness and will let me feel complete again.Sunrises again and when it rains..i don’t feel an inch of sadness. My life is now painted with pinch of colors..not black nor white..colors that describe serenity..vague but full of my favorite hue in it. I would define this state as the present happiness. I know this will end soon..after a week everything would be back to black and white. The color i loved for a long time..color will soon fade and when it does..i am definitely ready to accept what is left here.

I am numb...to the point where i no longer feel the need to be loved and love deeply. I just accept the surreal feeling..the excitement it gives chills to my ｗhole being. i don’t feel madly sad nor disappointed anymore whenever arguments set in..i breathe and let go and leave the bad memories behind. My past taught me to be like this..a person who would never feel needy anymore..I sometimes feel the past is still haunting me..i enjoy sadness than happiness. I could explore a lot of things about myself when i am alone. I could paint, draw and write journals about it. Sad but it’s REAL..

I found myself searching for the answers..am  really Happy or i am just making myself happy..now i feel guilty

.

Blocked me, Unblock me..

How do I block you in real LIFE? 

He blocked me on LINE last week and now I am writing about it..what the hell am i thinking? am I so affected about this or i just don't feel the hurt anymore. Shame on you! ahha bitter me,..i blocked him several times but i unblocked him again and again,..then finally he got his revenge and got rid of me. Good job! hahha ;) I feel  nothing, kinda empty, blank and just plain numb...We have blocked each other not just online but in real life..I haven't accepted the fact that he got the last laugh on this but what else can i do? feel hurt? bitter? or pathetic?..I've felt that way long time ago..but now that I am so over it,..I just wanna release the pinch of pain here in my heart,..a hole that once corrupted my whole being,..a scratch that would always feel itchy in cold season...a scar that would always reminds me of how mother f***er , a dream crusher, and stupid he was and maybe he still is.. hahah 

If there is something i feel unhappy about this is that..i let someone took over my life, my heart..I let someone stole the peace in me, the happiness i found on simple things...the life, the dreams i have for the future..I am trying to find the little pieces i left when  i lost him..the lost of a brother, a best friend,,a teacher and a lover..since then I haven't witnessed the sunrise,..i always look forward to sunset..dark is happiness..life is a piece of puzzle in a middle of dessert where i no longer exist..life ended there.so i sound pathetic eh?..yeah i think I am in a long journey of finding real happiness here..i know that only God can fill up the hole and complete the puzzle pieces of life i destroyed...i don't blame him nor anyone..i blame myself..only me.

I wanna close this blog by saying goodbye to a blissful relationship online and for all the heartaches..laughters, mixed up..i still believe in love..gotta eat more sweets to feel sweet again ahhah..

Endzone

The message was too long to send. I tried rephrasing it and make it a little shorter, but the emotion i put into writing could not cover up the long a waited goodbye message I've been wanting to send you. Minutes gone to hours, hours gone to days, a shorter version of the message is still kept here unsent. I see your image on my LINE account with a happy photo on..imagining how happy you are while I struggle myself in ending this pathetic relationship I created with you. As i count the days and hours and moments, i got to realized what is holding me back in relaying a very simple message..it was the thought of finally losing you. Ending is really the hardest part of anything. It is like killing your favorite character in a movie..It's like finishing a dish you have been wanting  to eat in ages..It is like going home from a very fun-filled trip abroad. I am a coward and  I know I fear the reality of being alone. Though I've been so lonely for  a long time search of happy ending with you...and now without the word HAPPY,..I have to end this with a courage here in my heart.

At exactly 11 in the morning, I sent the message I never thought it would be read by you. I said that you won't hear from me anymore and this means GOODBYE. I waited for his reply, but after minutes of waiting, i deactivated my account. It was like hearing  a drumroll with the words sounding like; CONGRATULATIONS! from my ears, my heart stopped a beat and tears stayed in my duct glands. I didn't feel the need of crying, though my heart hurt. It'll take time to heal and let go of the memories we've had for 4 years. I felt happy and free with a sad heart. This is the end and I am so excited to start anew;)

Letter to the Greatest Aunt in the World

Almost a week has passed and your memories is still hunting me. I thought,  a week of sadness would cover up all the tears I've cried and the headaches after each moments you left my eyes dry. Until i woke up this morning realizing the lost of my dear aunt...you. I've always wanted to see you in my dreams, talk to you as we did before, and ask you how's heaven. I always pray to God to give  me a glimpse of  you even just in my dreams. Why is this so hard for me to bear? why have I been regretting  a lot of things i could have said or done with you? why have i not given a chance to sit down and talk with you just for  a while before you have your last breath?..I am still mourning and I don't know till when will i close this chapter of  this bereaving moment I am into. I know I've accepted the fact that you are in heaven now and happier than you were here with us, but thinking of the fact that I won't be seeing you in the coming events in my life makes me even sadder than sad...bluer than blue..this is the saddest part I don't know how to get through.

It is really hard to let go of the memories and the love that would be forever here in my heart. I've never imagined a life without you because every time I think about future, it's always been you and nanay and tatay. You would always have an important part in any events I am planning to have and all the endeavors I am about to succeed on. Now it's only nanay and tatay..but you'll always be part of it ate,..I just hope in time i could finally let go of you and move on.

I love you and you'll always have a room here in my heart.

Love,

Zorai

The Art of Letting Go

When is right time you really have to let go?

I've asked myself a thousand times  and yet the answer is still seemed to be undefined. A yes-no question would be easier to answer..I guess, but asking when and followed by the question how is really a tough one for me. I think I am just too scared to be left out or to be alone. Specially when you have already given that person the right to make or break your day. He could pacify your anger easily, help you ease the pain, and comfort you with his kind words. You are already trapped into the life you've created with him, a life full of imaginary characters which he portrays to be your knight and shining armor, and you as the princess trapped in a castle of unbelief. The setting of that story would be in a far away land of  hopeless love in Seattle. You are the director and the writer and the actress of this story you have been filming for several years now and have not come to conclusion yet. You have the right to cut the scenes where you know you would experience the hurt and you just continuously, unconsciously cutting those scenes and lines to deliver a fantasy in your little mind of haven. When will you let go? when will your story end? How do you want it to end?

I am the writer of this story and i know for sure how to put an end to it. I have promised myself to be free from this love spell and have declared to let go in time. and to finally help me in the process of ending the story, I've created a list of things i should or shouldn't do in a daily basis.

1. Think of the bad things about him
2. Write them down or recite them every time you misses him.
3. Avoid having a conversation about him specially when it's about things you like/d about him.
4. Find a new hobby and enjoy it by heart.
5. Learn how to control your emotions and let go of the baggages you've been keeping for a long time.
6. Ask God to help you in forgetting about him and learn to wait for His will.
7. Make peace with your past and don't ever look back.
8. Don't ever wait. wait for messages to come or call or any form of situations that would make you wait for him.
9. Imagine a life without him and enjoy it.
10. Start it now or never.


I hope by reading this post, i would be able to guide myself in the process of letting go. I might not be able to check all the things on the list, but in time I can congratulate myself for believing that everything has its ending and some endings might take time and hard work too...

but at last you can finally say- THE END.

Why He Will Never Commit

Life is indeed full of questions and fragments of past decisions that created our present and will continue our future. I realized that there are some reasons why the person we love will never ever commit to us. Sad truth but we all know the reasons behind those questions we've been keeping for a long long time, but won't share to anyone. Here are the reasons;

1. He won't commit because he is a COWARD.
2. He is not that into you...maybe. lol
3. He knows that once he commit, he'll lose his FREEDOM.. hahah
4. He is that kind of person who doesn't really want any titles in a so-called RELATIONSHIP ( so probably he'll call you his whatsoever gf or friend..sister..etc)
5.  He said that DISTANCE is a big hindrance to a fulfilling relationship. (but he'll keep the long distance relationship= calling + texting +e-mailng with you )
6.  His priority in life is to fulfill his dreams and have a stable career. ( he'll always be busy but will find time to message or call you just so you know he still exist. )
7. He is a little confused about his sexuality. ( I am not sure about this one, but it might be his one hidden reason too. lol)
8. He treats you as his close friend...only that.
9. He is still looking around and not sure if you are really THE ONE (maybe he wants the two...the three or the four too! hahaha)
10. He thinks too much about the future, how many children he wants to have, the house he'll raise his family and so on..the bad news is that he doesn't think of you in it. (he might want to be  a single parent living in a big house .)
11. He came from a broken family and he never intended to get married because of the fear he might experience it too. ( on a sensitive note..)
12. He is the breadwinner of his family and all his siblings won't just give him away to someone who'll never be deserving for their PERFECT brother ;)
13. His job requires him to be single because he signed a marriage contract to his boss who always ask him to work overtime. ( he said that his just doing his job for your  future together..lol)
14. He knows that one day he'll settle down and marry the girl of his dream...MAYBE.
15. He is too slow to understand your feelings for him and he's getting the wrong signal of it.
16. He had bad relationships in the past and too scared to commit this time. ( around 100? haha )
17. He doesn't know how to spell the word COMMITTMENTT..neither do I.
18. He said that timing is very important and he doesn't really know when.
19. He has already read a lot of blogs about reasons why men won't commit and he is now a BELIEVER. ;(
20. He is so stupid to notice a girl who is willing to do anything for just a word she's longing to hear..and that is a commitment from you.


These are just my list and I hope no one would get hurt (emotionally..).

Seriously speaking,.

Say something, please.

I came across this beautiful song of Christina Aguilera -Say something and feels like it was just written for me- the exact feeling I've been keeping here in my mind and heart. I know i won't be able to say this to that person but it hit the spot here in my heart. A feeling of being neglected, hurt and mistreated, i guess..but this tired heart is still willing to give a second chance. A chance that he's never asking for but I've already given him from the start. There are no words to express the unstable syndrome of loving and unloving someone who has never seen this way of loving the way i see it. I am saying goodbye to the feeling but not to him. The message won't reach him or it might have reached him but it didn't get through anyway. All i need is a word that would answer all the uncertainties of this feeling i have inside.

Unloving you

All i can say is that i did my best...

The moment i met you was the moment i was about to give up on the boredom of life. You smiled at me and though we were miles apart, the sincerity of that conversation reached the loneliness i felt that time. I never thought that this would continue for 3 years and never regret the part we promised to stay forever. I guess, promises are made to be broken sealed with a broken heart. I am writing this because i know here in my heart, i will never ever love someone like i did to you. I've reached the point were I was very sure of where will this relationship head to, but too blinded to accept the near death of our story. You gave me happiness that i know i never gave back to you. I filled every conversations with sweet nothings and intellectual insights that will keep you enticed. I was wrong of believing a lie. We both know that we were just living in a lie where unspoken reality hurts the most. You don't need to run anymore,..i won't catch you. I know i have to let you go and for me to start a life without you. I still miss you sometimes,..and though forgetting is really hard you have to be erased here in my heart and mind. There is no space for you to live here in me and we should live separately now. Love is a mystery and i will never get tired of loving. But not you anymore..Thanks for the broken promises and for breaking my heart..I died a little but I am in a state of coma where I feel better than i was with you.

-Manami

 — feeling tired.

Peace why have you forsaken me?

I would like to go back to my childhood days. So peaceful....so naive and everything was just sooooo colorful. I would always play and would not notice time flies so fast. My mom would get angry and call me up, but that would never erase the fun memories i had back then. If i could just go back to that time where everything feels so fresh..simple..relaxing. I would just stay there for awhile,  while thinking of what would i be when i grow up.

.

I am fully grown up now. I have reached the part where i used to think i could be a teacher or a doctor or a plain housewife.What happened? what have i done? were all of these happened because of that childhood plans? I wouldn't think so..I am who I am right now because i didn't plan of who i wanted to be. It just happened. God wrote this part of my life. I truly believe that from childhood till now, he has been writing all these stuff about MY LIFE. If i could just help God to write about my future and put a little changes to it but i won't..I'll just let HiM do it for me.

Black and White

I love the concept of having no colors,..how images interpret its own creativity without putting colors to it. It makes people be imaginative and learn how to appreciate a work of art with a black a white photo. It simply describes a person with a depth and a mystery she hides deep within.., revealing her mystic identity and vividly showing an emotion only artist can imply.

Where is my heart?

I really don't know why i have been looking for my heart a year now. It seemed to be  a cliche to be wandering and don't know what to do to fill the emptiness inside. I have asked myself for many times about this and yet, i still couldn't find any answers that will define this long -time search of  my heart. It might sound so peculiar and you might not understand the feeling, but it has been this since my heart died last March of this year. I need something to believe in..someone who can answer all these uncertainties. How long will i wander aimlessly and don't know where am i heading to? I hope that in time, I'll be able to find the answers.