looking for my real happiness

Huwebes, Agosto 20, 2015

Something new

I found a new LOVE...something unknown..can’t be defined..different from the past love i have had and even the feeling is not clear. I never thought of encountering this feeling again..though it is not as clear as before..this makes  me smile.

I found a new love..a different kind of LOVE. Feels like a child starting to ride her bike for the first time. SCARED TO FALL...in love..to get hurt and feel the pain of loving. I often wonder why all reationships head to end..a miserable ending..not even happy nor successful..it’ll always give you something to remember..to feel..to realize something as you pick up the broken pieces of your heart that once was whole, clear, and LOVED.

I don’t know if my heart is working well now. I don’t really understand the situation i am into ..am i loving? liking?or just enjoying the love i am receiving from him.

For a moment i realized that life could send me pieces of happiness and will let me feel complete again.Sunrises again and when it rains..i don’t feel an inch of sadness. My life is now painted with pinch of colors..not black nor white..colors that describe serenity..vague but full of my favorite hue in it. I would define this state as the present happiness. I know this will end soon..after a week everything would be back to black and white. The color i loved for a long time..color will soon fade and when it does..i am definitely ready to accept what is left here.

I am numb...to the point where i no longer feel the need to be loved and love deeply. I just accept the surreal feeling..the excitement it gives chills to my whole being. i don’t feel madly sad nor disappointed anymore whenever arguments set in..i breathe and let go and leave the bad memories behind. My past taught me to be like this..a person who would never feel needy anymore..I sometimes feel the past is still haunting me..i enjoy sadness than happiness. I could explore a lot of things about myself when i am alone. I could paint, draw and write journals about it. Sad but it’s REAL..

I found myself searching for the answers..am  really Happy or i am just making myself happy..now i feel guilty


Sabado, Abril 18, 2015

Blocked me, Unblock me..

How do I block you in real LIFE? 

He blocked me on LINE last week and now I am writing about it..what the hell am i thinking? am I so affected about this or i just don't feel the hurt anymore. Shame on you! ahha bitter me,..i blocked him several times but i unblocked him again and again,..then finally he got his revenge and got rid of me. Good job! hahha ;) I feel  nothing, kinda empty, blank and just plain numb...We have blocked each other not just online but in real life..I haven't accepted the fact that he got the last laugh on this but what else can i do? feel hurt? bitter? or pathetic?..I've felt that way long time ago..but now that I am so over it,..I just wanna release the pinch of pain here in my heart,..a hole that once corrupted my whole being,..a scratch that would always feel itchy in cold season...a scar that would always reminds me of how mother f***er , a dream crusher, and stupid he was and maybe he still is.. hahah 

If there is something i feel unhappy about this is that..i let someone took over my life, my heart..I let someone stole the peace in me, the happiness i found on simple things...the life, the dreams i have for the future..I am trying to find the little pieces i left when  i lost him..the lost of a brother, a best friend,,a teacher and a lover..since then I haven't witnessed the sunrise,..i always look forward to sunset..dark is happiness..life is a piece of puzzle in a middle of dessert where i no longer exist..life ended there.so i sound pathetic eh?..yeah i think I am in a long journey of finding real happiness here..i know that only God can fill up the hole and complete the puzzle pieces of life i destroyed...i don't blame him nor anyone..i blame myself..only me.

I wanna close this blog by saying goodbye to a blissful relationship online and for all the heartaches..laughters, mixed up..i still believe in love..gotta eat more sweets to feel sweet again ahhah..