looking for my real happiness

Huwebes, Agosto 20, 2015

Something new

I found a new LOVE...something unknown..can’t be defined..different from the past love i have had and even the feeling is not clear. I never thought of encountering this feeling again..though it is not as clear as before..this makes  me smile.

I found a new love..a different kind of LOVE. Feels like a child starting to ride her bike for the first time. SCARED TO FALL...in love..to get hurt and feel the pain of loving. I often wonder why all reationships head to end..a miserable ending..not even happy nor successful..it’ll always give you something to remember..to feel..to realize something as you pick up the broken pieces of your heart that once was whole, clear, and LOVED.

I don’t know if my heart is working well now. I don’t really understand the situation i am into ..am i loving? liking?or just enjoying the love i am receiving from him.

For a moment i realized that life could send me pieces of happiness and will let me feel complete again.Sunrises again and when it rains..i don’t feel an inch of sadness. My life is now painted with pinch of colors..not black nor white..colors that describe serenity..vague but full of my favorite hue in it. I would define this state as the present happiness. I know this will end soon..after a week everything would be back to black and white. The color i loved for a long time..color will soon fade and when it does..i am definitely ready to accept what is left here.

I am numb...to the point where i no longer feel the need to be loved and love deeply. I just accept the surreal feeling..the excitement it gives chills to my whole being. i don’t feel madly sad nor disappointed anymore whenever arguments set in..i breathe and let go and leave the bad memories behind. My past taught me to be like this..a person who would never feel needy anymore..I sometimes feel the past is still haunting me..i enjoy sadness than happiness. I could explore a lot of things about myself when i am alone. I could paint, draw and write journals about it. Sad but it’s REAL..

I found myself searching for the answers..am  really Happy or i am just making myself happy..now i feel guilty


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