looking for my real happiness

Lunes, Oktubre 6, 2014


The message was too long to send. I tried rephrasing it and make it a little shorter, but the emotion i put into writing could not cover up the long a waited goodbye message I've been wanting to send you. Minutes gone to hours, hours gone to days, a shorter version of the message is still kept here unsent. I see your image on my LINE account with a happy photo on..imagining how happy you are while I struggle myself in ending this pathetic relationship I created with you. As i count the days and hours and moments, i got to realized what is holding me back in relaying a very simple message..it was the thought of finally losing you. Ending is really the hardest part of anything. It is like killing your favorite character in a movie..It's like finishing a dish you have been wanting  to eat in ages..It is like going home from a very fun-filled trip abroad. I am a coward and  I know I fear the reality of being alone. Though I've been so lonely for  a long time search of happy ending with you...and now without the word HAPPY,..I have to end this with a courage here in my heart.

At exactly 11 in the morning, I sent the message I never thought it would be read by you. I said that you won't hear from me anymore and this means GOODBYE. I waited for his reply, but after minutes of waiting, i deactivated my account. It was like hearing  a drumroll with the words sounding like; CONGRATULATIONS! from my ears, my heart stopped a beat and tears stayed in my duct glands. I didn't feel the need of crying, though my heart hurt. It'll take time to heal and let go of the memories we've had for 4 years. I felt happy and free with a sad heart. This is the end and I am so excited to start anew;)

Lunes, Pebrero 17, 2014

Letter to the Greatest Aunt in the World

Almost a week has passed and your memories is still hunting me. I thought,  a week of sadness would cover up all the tears I've cried and the headaches after each moments you left my eyes dry. Until i woke up this morning realizing the lost of my dear aunt...you. I've always wanted to see you in my dreams, talk to you as we did before, and ask you how's heaven. I always pray to God to give  me a glimpse of  you even just in my dreams. Why is this so hard for me to bear? why have I been regretting  a lot of things i could have said or done with you? why have i not given a chance to sit down and talk with you just for  a while before you have your last breath?..I am still mourning and I don't know till when will i close this chapter of  this bereaving moment I am into. I know I've accepted the fact that you are in heaven now and happier than you were here with us, but thinking of the fact that I won't be seeing you in the coming events in my life makes me even sadder than sad...bluer than blue..this is the saddest part I don't know how to get through.

It is really hard to let go of the memories and the love that would be forever here in my heart. I've never imagined a life without you because every time I think about future, it's always been you and nanay and tatay. You would always have an important part in any events I am planning to have and all the endeavors I am about to succeed on. Now it's only nanay and tatay..but you'll always be part of it ate,..I just hope in time i could finally let go of you and move on.

I love you and you'll always have a room here in my heart.



Martes, Pebrero 4, 2014

The Art of Letting Go

When is right time you really have to let go?

I've asked myself a thousand times  and yet the answer is still seemed to be undefined. A yes-no question would be easier to answer..I guess, but asking when and followed by the question how is really a tough one for me. I think I am just too scared to be left out or to be alone. Specially when you have already given that person the right to make or break your day. He could pacify your anger easily, help you ease the pain, and comfort you with his kind words. You are already trapped into the life you've created with him, a life full of imaginary characters which he portrays to be your knight and shining armor, and you as the princess trapped in a castle of unbelief. The setting of that story would be in a far away land of  hopeless love in Seattle. You are the director and the writer and the actress of this story you have been filming for several years now and have not come to conclusion yet. You have the right to cut the scenes where you know you would experience the hurt and you just continuously, unconsciously cutting those scenes and lines to deliver a fantasy in your little mind of haven. When will you let go? when will your story end? How do you want it to end?

I am the writer of this story and i know for sure how to put an end to it. I have promised myself to be free from this love spell and have declared to let go in time. and to finally help me in the process of ending the story, I've created a list of things i should or shouldn't do in a daily basis.

1. Think of the bad things about him
2. Write them down or recite them every time you misses him.
3. Avoid having a conversation about him specially when it's about things you like/d about him.
4. Find a new hobby and enjoy it by heart.
5. Learn how to control your emotions and let go of the baggages you've been keeping for a long time.
6. Ask God to help you in forgetting about him and learn to wait for His will.
7. Make peace with your past and don't ever look back.
8. Don't ever wait. wait for messages to come or call or any form of situations that would make you wait for him.
9. Imagine a life without him and enjoy it.
10. Start it now or never.

I hope by reading this post, i would be able to guide myself in the process of letting go. I might not be able to check all the things on the list, but in time I can congratulate myself for believing that everything has its ending and some endings might take time and hard work too...
but at last you can finally say- THE END.

Lunes, Pebrero 3, 2014

Why He Will Never Commit

Life is indeed full of questions and fragments of past decisions that created our present and will continue our future. I realized that there are some reasons why the person we love will never ever commit to us. Sad truth but we all know the reasons behind those questions we've been keeping for a long long time, but won't share to anyone. Here are the reasons;

1. He won't commit because he is a COWARD.
2. He is not that into you...maybe. lol
3. He knows that once he commit, he'll lose his FREEDOM.. hahah
4. He is that kind of person who doesn't really want any titles in a so-called RELATIONSHIP ( so probably he'll call you his whatsoever gf or friend..sister..etc)
5.  He said that DISTANCE is a big hindrance to a fulfilling relationship. (but he'll keep the long distance relationship= calling + texting +e-mailng with you )
6.  His priority in life is to fulfill his dreams and have a stable career. ( he'll always be busy but will find time to message or call you just so you know he still exist. )
7. He is a little confused about his sexuality. ( I am not sure about this one, but it might be his one hidden reason too. lol)
8. He treats you as his close friend...only that.
9. He is still looking around and not sure if you are really THE ONE (maybe he wants the two...the three or the four too! hahaha)
10. He thinks too much about the future, how many children he wants to have, the house he'll raise his family and so on..the bad news is that he doesn't think of you in it. (he might want to be  a single parent living in a big house .)
11. He came from a broken family and he never intended to get married because of the fear he might experience it too. ( on a sensitive note..)
12. He is the breadwinner of his family and all his siblings won't just give him away to someone who'll never be deserving for their PERFECT brother ;)
13. His job requires him to be single because he signed a marriage contract to his boss who always ask him to work overtime. ( he said that his just doing his job for your  future together..lol)
14. He knows that one day he'll settle down and marry the girl of his dream...MAYBE.
15. He is too slow to understand your feelings for him and he's getting the wrong signal of it.
16. He had bad relationships in the past and too scared to commit this time. ( around 100? haha )
17. He doesn't know how to spell the word COMMITTMENTT..neither do I.
18. He said that timing is very important and he doesn't really know when.
19. He has already read a lot of blogs about reasons why men won't commit and he is now a BELIEVER. ;(
20. He is so stupid to notice a girl who is willing to do anything for just a word she's longing to hear..and that is a commitment from you.

These are just my list and I hope no one would get hurt (emotionally..).

Seriously speaking,.

Linggo, Enero 19, 2014

Say something, please.

I came across this beautiful song of Christina Aguilera -Say something and feels like it was just written for me- the exact feeling I've been keeping here in my mind and heart. I know i won't be able to say this to that person but it hit the spot here in my heart. A feeling of being neglected, hurt and mistreated, i guess..but this tired heart is still willing to give a second chance. A chance that he's never asking for but I've already given him from the start. There are no words to express the unstable syndrome of loving and unloving someone who has never seen this way of loving the way i see it. I am saying goodbye to the feeling but not to him. The message won't reach him or it might have reached him but it didn't get through anyway. All i need is a word that would answer all the uncertainties of this feeling i have inside.